Netwerkin!: More official work emails lol

	Forum Home \| Search \| I.M. \| Profile \| Directory \| Active Topics \| Calendar \| Games

»	Netwerkin! » Normal People Forums » The Playhouse » More official work emails lol (Page 20)

This topic comprises 37 pages: 1 2 3 ... 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 ... 35 36 37

deb

posted

LOL

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Member # 12
Posts: 5193

--------------------
so true: what has been seen cannot be unseen...

Steve
Mad Penguin

posted

Member # 561
Posts: 35305

--------------------

Bob
Topic Police

posted

Member # 690
Posts: 8070

--------------------
Humor is also a way of saying something serious. - T.S. Elliot

Steve
Mad Penguin

posted

Member # 561
Posts: 35305

--------------------

deb

posted

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair" about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch. When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."

I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.

The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?

She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."

"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.

I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."

With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"

Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy. Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect. Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS

Member # 12
Posts: 5193

--------------------
so true: what has been seen cannot be unseen...

deb

posted

An elderly man in Florida owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe >courts, and apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixedup for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there a while, and look it over. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, I'm here to feed the alligator."

[grinflash]

Smart man.

Member # 12
Posts: 5193

--------------------
so true: what has been seen cannot be unseen...

Steve
Mad Penguin

posted

Member # 561
Posts: 35305

--------------------

Prion
Health Hazard

posted

I'm going to have to remember that one for the future. [Smile]

Member # 817
Posts: 4777

deb

posted

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is gray, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

Member # 12
Posts: 5193

--------------------
so true: what has been seen cannot be unseen...

betterthanyou

posted

Haha... I would say something like that. Let's just hope the question never comes up.

Member # 628
Posts: 1616

Steve
Mad Penguin

posted

man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

It says,

”Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair…

adds permanent wave !!

Member # 561
Posts: 35305

--------------------

deb

posted

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina.""Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

Member # 12
Posts: 5193

--------------------
so true: what has been seen cannot be unseen...

deb

posted

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Member # 12
Posts: 5193

--------------------
so true: what has been seen cannot be unseen...

deb

posted

In honor of the upcoming Proctor and Gamble/Gillette merger:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: Zip, Audi, Do, Da.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell,Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Member # 12
Posts: 5193

--------------------
so true: what has been seen cannot be unseen...

Steve
Mad Penguin

posted

Despite the advice of their friends, an ant and an elephant got married. After they had sex for the first time, the elephant had a heart attack and died. “Crap,” the ant said. “Five minutes of ecstasy and now I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave.”

Member # 561
Posts: 35305

--------------------

Printer-friendly view of this topic	This topic comprises 37 pages: 1 2 3 ... 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 ... 35 36 37

UBB.classic™ 6.6.2